PRAISE THE ANONYMOUS

Another article I had written for my college newspaper 'Spectator' 2 years ago. Until I get into the groove of writing again, I'm fishing out my old creativity ;)

Who is God? How would you define God?  Traditionally, one would define God as the one Supreme Being, the Creator and Ruler of the universe. God is the whole and sole heart of this world. The mysterious life giving force behind every single occurrence, from the sprouting of a new infant leaf in spring, to the falling of a dead one in autumn, he is responsible for it all!

When asked to define God, 23 year old Sachin Bhandary had the following to say, "How can you define God? Can you ever imagine infinite happiness, infinite love? Human minds cannot understand that unless you reach a much superior level. I am sorry, I cannot define God." Different people, different opinions, different outlooks, but most would swear by one common point, there is only ONE God.

However, if that is true, then why the different names? When everyone agrees that God is only one, why call him by different names? So the question goes, is it important to 'name' God?  "We can't have faith in something abstract. People need a name for what they are committing to", seems to be Sachin's justification.

Life hasn't been easy for 20 year old Tarana Merchant when it comes to naming her religion or the God that she worships. Tarana is from what can be called, a multi-cultural background. If one goes to analyze, it can even be said that she has genes from practically all the different religions. Her definition of God is simple; God is the supreme, omnipresent being who is invisible to the naked eye. He is just a force, and has nothing to do with idols. He is the sole connection between life and death.

The most common problem she faces is when she is asked about her religion. Says Tarana, "Ideally it is assumed that Tarana is a Hindu name, where as Merchant is more like a Muslim surname. I have actually seen stereotypical Hindus wince as they hear my last name. Why is this so? Why does God have to be named at all? I mean God is too supreme a being to be named in the first place. He CANNOT be categorized into any one religion. Naming him simply leads to a lot of communal tension and confusion. Let's just stop categorizing people on the basis of their religion. The world would be a much better place if we could get rid of these superficial biases once and for all."

Eighteen year old Shania Singh also shares more or less the same opinion as Tarana, only she goes a little overboard saying, "I am so tired of having people ask me my religion immediately after I introduce myself to them. I mean if the world is going to make it so hard to have faith in God, then I'd rather be an atheist!"

So can it be said that, the world would be a happier place to live in, if we all had one common 'nameless' God?  The solution seems to be easier said than done. A tradition that goes back hundreds of generations, obviously cannot be changed overnight, or maybe cannot be changed at all. The hope for a religion-less world is probably just wishful thinking.

But then, a religion-less society, that is a society minus the religious customs, traditions, languages, etc. wouldn't be a society at all. Moreover, a world without culture and society would be like reliving the Stone Age! Surely that couldn't be the solution. So I guess we are back to square one, God apparently DOES need to be named, because like Sachin said, it gives us humans a sense of identity, one we simply can't do away with, no matter what the consequences.

When terror strikes ..

This was something I wrote for my college magazine 2 years ago. I hate the fact that 2 years later, it still holds true. Heres hoping that this time around, the aftermath will be a lil diff.

"People killing, people dying, children hurt you hear them crying, can you practice what you preach, and would you turn the other cheek?"

So go the words of The Black Eyed Peas' first single that attained instant success all over the world. Whether the song became popular owing to the bitter truth in its lyrics or simply because of its catchy tune is hard to tell. But the fact remains that man has become the biggest predator to civilization.

India as a nation seems to have become quite immune to the various acts of terrorism that happen practically everyday in some or the other nook and corner of the country. It comes, it devastates, and it disappears, leaving behind harsh memories and incomplete families.

In situations like these, much worse than the horror of the present is the fear of the future. Fear of riots breaking out, best friends becoming worst foes, mass destruction and communal chaos loom large over the country. It’s apparent that basic faith in humanity is staring death in the face.

Political leaders responsible for most of this widespread tension and distrust often act as the silent observers. When terror strikes, they are rudely shaken out of their stupor. Nothing good comes out of that anyway, all they do is come out of their hiding and condemn the heinous crimes committed and announce compensation for the victims and their families; price for one dead family member, Rupees 50 lakhs. Some even go to the extent of declaring state wide or nationwide bandh to condemn the assault, handicapping the entire nation/city and giving an unofficial holiday to people who couldn’t care less.

In the days following a terror attack, security is beefed up in public transports and other public areas, albeit temporarily. Gradually, all is forgotten. Life moves on, slowly but steadily. And then one day, terror strikes again, everything comes to a standstill, and once again, the government is caught unawares. So it seems we are turning the other cheek after all, again and again, and again…

Of BALLS

Yeah I know, the title brought you here. But I aint the least bit sorry that the write up has NOTHING to do with the 'balls' you were thinking of. Its a rather mundane blog actually. Lolzz.

 

So many times in our lives we cry over very superfluous and completely replaceable things. Things such as a job, an ex-lover or a lost opportunity. All the while taking for granted the most indispensable things in our lives.  It's like the glass ball-rubber ball syndrome that I once read in an email. It goes like this:

 

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them - work, family, health, friends and spirit - and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls - family, health, friends and spirit - are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life."

 

--Brian G. Dyson

President and CEO, Coca-Cola Enterprises during his speech at the Georgia Tech 172nd Commencement Address Sept 6, 1996

 

Even if today you are at the peak of your career or the front runner in any particular field, a couple of decades down the line, when the applause has died away, the trophies have gathered dust and your fan following has faded into oblivion, the importance of the glass balls will be realized. By then, it would have gotten too late and there'll be nothing left to do but bide time and await judgment day with a heavy heart.

 

So let's not wait that long, 'cause I sure don't want to show up at St. Peter's with a guilty conscious. He'll send me straight down under (if you know what I mean). Selfish as it is, I'm going to give the glass balls in my life some extra attention and even a hug maybe, and hope to God that the scratches will fade away.

DAYS GO BY AND STILL I THINK OF YOU

Do you know how it feels to lose the person who brought you into the world, the person responsible for your very existence? The person who taught you to talk, who taught you to walk, who taught you to pray, who taught you to play, who kept you alive so you can see today. There’s his picture in the prayer room, it brings me to tears. So I avoid looking into the room to escape his smiling face. But then I look into the mirror and I see him again. So I close my eyes and walk away.

He is on my mind when I lie alone in bed, because sis sleeps beside mum now. So I give my teddy a tight hug and cry myself to sleep. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, but there’s work to be done, bills to be paid. So I walk down to the living room, my tea sits ready. As I sit sipping my tea, dreams from last night flash in my head. I dreamt of him again. Mum and sis come and sit for a while, we share a moment. Then mum asks me to go get ready, lest I miss my bus.
So I go into the shower, shed a few tears, then compose myself and wear my happy mask. Its time to go to the big masquerade ball called life. As all three of us leave for work, I notice the perfectly fitted masks on mum and sis’s faces as well. All set, its show time.

CAN'T DIE ANYMORE THAN I ALREADY AM DEAD

Bury me alive ‘cause I can’t face the sun,
The darkness inside is sucking me in.

And I can’t open my eyes,
I can’t stand my sight.
The days are getting darker
With nowhere to run.

So bury me alive under the clear blue sky,
6 feet below where the mortals lie.

And I shall hold my breath,
Till it all makes sense.
Then I’ll close my eyes
And quietly die.

So bury me alive
And water my grave
Plant a cherry seed
And all the weathers it’ll brave.

And when it grows older
And cherries it’ll bear
When it sways with the wind
I’ll no longer be a slave.

Bury me alive ‘cause I’ve been dead for long
My heart strings no longer stir at the cuckoo’s song.

The sun rise seems dull
The guitar, it weeps
So bury me alive
It would mean no wrong.

BLACK

"Darkness, sweet darkness. Hello old friend, where have you been?" I asked. "I was waiting to resurface to keep you company when all your happy friends leave", it replied. I'm glad you are back. I've been missing you. Now that you are back, I feel complete; feel like I am home again. This is where I belong; this is where I grew up. Glad I can always return to you.

And when you envelope me, I feel no fear. I feel like a part of you. I dissolve in you. I can be invisible, hide away where no one can see me, judge me, pity me or hate me. In your arms I shall lie and weep away all those pent up tears. Within your embrace I shall scream out my anger and trust you to absorb that awful sound. And then, when all is finally quiet, we shall sit together and silently plot revenge against them all.

Dead woman walking

Feel like a dead leaf in fresh foliage. While everybody else is swaying with the wind, I just rustle. All the other leaves will go where the wind will carry them. Me? Touch me and I’ll crumble.

It’s like there’s a scream stuck in my throat. It’s ringing in my ears, so loud; it keeps me awake in the night. It’s deafening. I’m desperate to open my mouth to let the scream escape, but I can’t. I have to keep it inside, no one can know.

It makes me want to run into concrete walls, over and over again, till it has a big bloody stain on it. It makes me want to tear down mirrors, break all windows with bare hands. Feel like suspending myself upside down with one foot, till the blood rushes to my head.

I just want to feel. Feel like I am living. Feel like I’m not just sleep walking through one unending nightmare. But I can’t. I can’t do any of those things. I just got to keep sleep walking until the sun comes up again, and I wake up. Will the sun eventually come up, or has it forgotten to shine on this one soul? Only time will tell.

FREE YOUR SOUL

It’s been nearly 3 days since daddy’s demise. Since then, I feel this unusual sense of freedom. Not from daddy, no, but from life, from God, from my conscience. I don’t know. I am trying to find the right words to make you understand. But I realize that you will only understand when you are standing where I am standing today. But I’m going to try to convey this feeling anyway. So here goes.

It’s this liberating feeling of knowing how less you can do, how less the control of life is in your hands. It’s like your life’s steering wheel is not in your hands. You are simply a passenger. If you think you are the driver, go wash your face. And when you are the passenger, you don’t have to be bothered about the bumps in the road, the other vehicles or the cliff’s dead end ahead. Just enjoy the ride; there is little else you can do.

I used to be a staunch believer of ‘you make your own destiny’ or the Secret’s ‘power of attraction’. I’m not anymore. I don’t disbelieve it. I don’t call it a farce. But I’m just not a devotee anymore.

What I do call a farce is astrology. It’s nothing but a truck load of bullshit, horseshit, human shit and some other forms of assorted crap. My mum is a qualified astrologer. She never foresaw daddy’s sudden death. Neither did any of the zillion other astrologers we consulted predict it. Daddy even had a long lifeline. You know what else, daddy’s death certificate states his time of death as 6.00 AM. Wow, A round number! It’s funny because mummy remembers daddy’s cardiac arrest as somewhere around 4.20 AM. Point to ponder, how do you know the time on your birth certificate is accurate? Considering all these kundlis are based on the accurate birth time, am I to assume that I am probably leading somebody else’s life?

Anyway, coming back to the point I started out with, my belief is the astrology system has effectively vanished. My own mother being an astrologer, astrology had a considerable influence in my life. So not having to adhere to that is liberating. Astrologically, mummy was supposed to pass away before daddy. Oh, well.

Next up – God. My God was dear to me. I spoke to him every minute of everyday. I thanked him for every breath I took. I begged, pleaded and even commanded him to bring daddy home safe and sound. Didn’t happen. So now, I’m liberated from that obligation. I am free to do, say and wish whatever I want. He will ultimately do as he desires. I still pray before going to bed and I pray for daddy’s soul. But the obsessive faith is on a holiday.

I can’t think of a worse thing happening in my life for a long time now. I am comfortably numb. I fear nothing no more. I could be hit by a truck and not feel a thing. Bring it on life, ‘cause I don’t give a shit.

I’M KEEPING YOU FOREVER AND FOR ALWAYS

Daddy passed away yesterday. I don’t know what to feel. He was right here a few days ago, having tea with us, eating lunch with us, watching television with us, calling me funny names, making the silliest of rhymes, cracking the lamest of jokes. Daddy, that beautiful, lively, kind, generous, loving person has gone up in smoke, literally. 54 is no age to die, 44 is no age to be a widow, and 22 and 24 is no age to be fatherless. If I ever felt like dying, I feel it now more than ever. I’ve been suicidal for the longest time. Most of my poems reflect that. Daddy’s death has effectively removed every suicidal thought from my mind for good. I have realized that it is not just cowardly, but it is the most selfish thing one can do. I can’t imagine a life without daddy.

Daddy’s surgery was not supposed to be life threatening. He didn’t have a history of heart disease. His chest X-rays were all clear. Daddy was supposed to walk back into this house hale and hearty. He was not supposed to be brought in on a stretcher, only to be bathed, dressed in new clothes and be taken to the crematory. This is just not according to the agenda. That heart attack on Sunday morning was simply unaccounted for. It’s all wrong! Please, oh please turn back time so we can do it right this time. But that’s just not how is goes, is it? There are no retakes in life. There are no rehearsals. And there definitely aren’t any ‘plans’, at least not ones made by us mortals.

It makes me so angry. Daddy had a painless death. It was an instant, silent heart attack. He had his most beloved wife by his side till the very last breath. He used to say, “I don’t have a lot of time left, I don’t want to live for long” even on his healthiest days. He’d say that his wife and two daughters all have stable jobs. They are mature, independent, confident women and well equipped to take care of themselves. His job here is done, now for a painless death. Looks like his life did go according to plan.

But it makes me so angry, even though I know it’s wrong to question God. Daddy lived life the way he wanted. He ate all he wanted, drank all he wanted and smoked all he wanted. He loved us dearly, and we loved him dearly and that’s why begged him to change his ways. But he never listened. Weak will or stubbornness, call it whatever. Ultimately today, I am left without a father.
Daddy, I love you like crazy, and I am and always will be your little girl. But if only you had cared about yourself as much as you cared about us, you would probably still be around. But I forgive you, and I love you and miss you, forever and for always. Rest in peace.

Daddy come home

2:45 AM on the clock. I'm on the 5th floor of a hospital, in its waiting room. It’s been an awful week. Actually, it’s been an awful month, no wait, awful year. Daddy was admitted last night for a tumor. It was surgically removed today. Now, he lies somewhere in the ICU, probably medicated enough to not know what exactly transpired. My eyes feel incredibly heavy, but it’s just impossible to fall asleep on this wooden chair. Mum has thankfully asleep on the bed. I look around at all the sleeping bodies strewn across the room; it feels like a refugee camp in here.

Then, in the security of the darkness, the tears burst forth. I can cry now, because nobody is watching. I can cry now, because I don’t have to pretend to be strong. I can cry now, because I can’t tomorrow. I never thought I’ll have to see this day, spending the night lying awake in a hospital waiting room while my dearest daddy lies partially conscious in the ICU – bed no. 12. Daddy is not daddy anymore, he is bistar number baara. Suddenly I feel so cold and alone. I wish someone would call or text me and tell me everything will be alright tomorrow. But the phone remains quiet.

I start to feel the hollow of not having that special someone to confide in, to cry to, and who will love me without obligations or because I’m a blood relative. Am I being selfish? I guess I am. I can’t do this right now. My family needs me to be strong and I am going to fulfill that duty.

I just hope this is the first and last time we have to spend the night in this god forsaken room. Daddy get better soon, so we can go home! I miss you already.

Once upon a time in my teenage

Sometimes, somewhere when life brings you down,
You feel like you want to ask everyone to f*** off and leave you alone.

But they insist, they wanna stay, they wanna be your best friend.
F***, don’t you get it, it's my life and I should know how to fend!

I'm better off without company in my gloomy loneliness,
No matter who you are, my life is off your limits.

I don’t wanna share my problems, they are mine to solve.
Just leave me alone god dammit, I can't break my resolve.

I have too much ego to go and ask for help,
Those who think they can help me need help themselves.

I wanna hang myself 'cause my life is so messed up,
I try hard to figure out how like this I ended up.

Sometimes I look around I have no real friends,
The world is closing in on me, I just want this nightmare to end.

Life – that indiscernible thing

You think you have it figured out, and you start to get into your comfort zone, conveniently putting away all those deliveries. The crowd is cheering; the fielders are getting ample exercise. My time has come, you think. And then, you get a googly. You don’t know where it came from or how it dodged your bat, you just weren’t prepared for it. That little span of time when you forgot to pay attention, that flicker of carelessness when your eyes wandered from the ball, it cost you your wicket. And then it’s somebody else’s turn. You stand there bewildered, stubbornly refusing to accept the umpire’s decision. The opponents are cheering, the crowd is booing, and the finger is up. The odds are all against you, you are outnumbered. You grit your teeth. It’s a long walk back to the pavilion. This isn’t just an ODI innings. This is life.

But all the while, it is important to remember, life is just a game. You win some, you lose some. You have critics and you have fans. At the end of it all, there’ll always be another game to do better at. And when you do, this present failure will be forgotten. You’ve just got to use your resources to the best of their abilities; prepare the game plan, and just make the best of today’s game, irrespective of whether the opponent is a world champion or an underdog. Give it your best, and forget the rest.

It is also important to not forget what games are meant – for fun and entertainment. So if you aren’t enjoying the ‘game’, it just ain’t worth it. Problems will come, but they come only to make the game more interesting, just like the occasional sword wielding enemy in a video game. If he weren’t there, how in the world would you feel proud about reaching the treasure! So fare well in the game, but have the most fun time doing that.

MY DATE WITH AN ST BUS

Don't you just love the ST buses in Mumbai? The way they clank and rattle over every tiny pot-hole and look like they are going to completely fall apart the next time they hit another speed breaker?
Well, the first time I was blessed with a ride on an ST bus was when I joined my new college. You see, my previous college was just a hop skip and jump away from my home and hence there wasn't any traveling involved as such. But after my junior college I decided to shift to a better known college at the cost of a bit of traveling. So my friend, already enrolled there, gave me this deal, "If you go by a BEST bus, you'll get there in 30 mins. But if you catch an ST bus, you'll get to a bus stop nearby in 10 mins and with 5 mins of walking you should be conveniently at the college." I thought that the idea was absolutely ridiculous. I mean how can a mere change of buses that more or less take the same route make so much difference in my travel time? But little did I know that I would be so wrong!
So on the third day of my college I get to the bus stop exactly 20 mins before my first lecture at college was to start. As I approach my bus stop I see an ST bus standing there patiently waiting for all the passengers to alight. I take one look at the bus then my watch and make up my mind. As I board the ST bus I am welcomed by the conductor yelling at me for not closing the bus door behind me. Normally used to traveling in a BEST, I was quite unaware of this little tradition. Within 5 mins I realize the catch in an ST bus ride. So an ST bus will take you to your destination in almost half the time as a BEST, but you are going to have to sit with the machhiwallis and the bhajiwallis with their tokris practically on your lap! I'm awed by the fact that, while almost all the passengers in the bus are struggling to get a foothold, the conductor is always comfortably seated on a seat next to the window, strictly reserved for him. I'm also amazed as to how the roadside romeos in the bus manage to whistle a song at the sight of a girl when everybody else is desperately struggling for oxygen! The bus then jumps over a pot-hole and suddenly it feels like an earthquake in the bus. It stuns me so much that at that point all that matters to me is to get to the college 'alive' rather than on time. Suddenly it strikes me, "Oh, so that’s why the ST buses are so enclosed with doors et al. It's so the passengers don't fall out of the bus during these mini earthquakes!"
When my bus stop finally comes, I'm quite literally thrown out of the bus by passengers who are relieved at getting some extra space in the bus, no matter how little. But I've got to admit that all in all, I quite enjoyed the ride. The kind of enjoyment you get out of bungee jumping.

Miseries galore

Sometimes in life, you think you have it all sorted. You manage to stagger to your feet and stare the world in the eye. But in the flash of a lightening, the earth is whisked away from under your feet, leaving you flat on your face, staring up at the world, with mud on your tongue, wondering when and what you did wrong ...

DADDY CARES!

So many times in our lives we question God, wonder if he is really there, accuse him of not being considerate enough, try to provoke him to make his presence felt, all the while overlooking his presence an arm's length away. On my way to work today, I was busy cribbing and complaining about how unfair life has been the past few months to me and the people close to me. I was lost in a shadow of hopelessness, wondering where God has been when his children, who have committed no wrong have been going through all this turmoil. This day is going to be no different from yesterday, I thought. Now that it has started on such a sour note, it's going to be sour throughout. I was only at the bus stop for 2 minutes when my bus came, a nearly vacant bus that came to halt right in front of me. I got in; still unaware of this little thing God did to cheer me up. As soon as I stepped in, I caught sight of a cute guy sitting a couple of seats ahead. I looked at him, he looked at me, I looked away and moved ahead and found myself a seat. Not a big occasion, but it got me smiling. And then I spoke to God, "Alright, I'm on to you. I know what you are trying to do. And I am thankful". That dude must have been going about his business as usual, but even he didn't realize that there was another reason why he was on that particular bus. It just goes to show that we all have a purpose for being on this planet. Not one, but billions of purposes, most are really small and insignificant, like the one mentioned here, while others are life changing.

 

It is wrong to question God and accuse him of being uncaring. The truth couldn't have been farther. It isn't him who is uncaring; it is we who are ignorant. You ask God to show up and prove he exists; well he probably has an inflated ego himself (so now you know where you get it from). But just like a parent, he is ultimately a slave of his creations. So he tells you, "You need cheering up? Look I made that dog chase his tail, isn't he adorable? No? Umm, hey look up, I painted the sky your favorite shade of pink! Still doesn't do it? Okay, hey, remember the time you and your friends sat on top of Parsik hills, singing songs and throwing stones on train tops! That was a fun time, wasn't it?" And so on and so forth. That's how he does it. Little amusing things during the day, unexpected acts of kindness, nature's beauty, fond memories, etc., these are all his teeny weeny ways of brightening up our day. But we! Amusing things = stupidity; acts of kindness = acts with ulterior motives; nature's beauty = 'dodge that bird before it poops on you!', and fond memories = life is so busy and rotten now L. *SIGH*  I sympathize with the poor chap sitting up there, tirelessly trying to convince us that life is REALLY not as bad as we make it out to be, and that there is only one person we can count on to make us happy – ourselves.

 

So, moral of the story, look for the little things and believe that God cares, and that life is unfolding just the way it should. J

When shall this dog have his day?

3.30 PM on an idle Wednesday afternoon. I am sitting in my office, cursing the IT department for not fixing the server thats been down for hours now. After a stroll, a nap, a few games of spider solitaire, and some Coldplay tracks, I'm out of options to amuse myself. I cast a casual glance outside my glass window and catch sight of a stray dog having the heartiest time rolling about in the lawn. It makes me snigger.

 

The dog looks so very happy and content, without a care in the world. I cant help but envy him. I wish I could just lie flat on the amazing green lawn and let the blades of the grass scratch my back, without attracting any attention of course. I laugh at my silly thoughts.

 

But it gets me thinking, when did happiness stop being about rolling in the grass, catching butterflies, shouting contests, and Sunday morning Duck Tales on Doordarshan? Mmmmmmmm ...

 

Whooops, my sweet stroll down memory lane is rudely cut short. Server is back up. Snap back to reality. Buhbyee doggie (you lucky *&^%$#). Its back to business. 
 

 

Hrmphhh

Ooook .. so I see that people visit my blog, read my posts but nobody bothers to leave one lousy comment! But I still keep writing :( .. So readers (if there are any at all), please leave a comment. ANY comment will do, but comment. I work better with feedbacks you see, selfish as that is :). So just click on that little tab called 'comment' below every post and write whatever.

I MOVED MY CHEESE

Another time, another place,
I’ve come somewhere far away.
Leaving all I knew behind,
New avenues hoping to find.

It was cozy, warm and familiar,
But there was a hurricane brewing somewhere near.
The comforts made me restless and stricken,
The familiarity reminded of treasure lying hidden.

So I tossed away my bean bag life,
Donned my sailor cap and took my stride.
“My New World awaits”, I said to them,
“Columbus didn’t stop at India” and I went.

Now the New World feels like a different planet,
It’s conquered but why did I ever want it?
Home feels like light years away,
Did I have to insist on holding sway?

While I was busy, cursing and questioning,
Clear as water came the reasoning.
What doesn’t move, will sit and rot,
But a rolling stone will gather no moss.

Unfamiliarity is always intimidating,
Give it sometime and it will sink in.
The alien wind will become your own,
The novelty will go and this will be your home.

AFTER THE SWAN HAS SUNG

Close your eyes, say a prayer,
You can’t see me, but I’ll be there.

I’ll be the feather that floats with grace,
I’ll make it there to brighten your face.

I‘ll be the smile in your happiness,
I’ll be the light in your darkness.

Every time you visit my grave,
I know you wonder if I could’ve been saved.

If I could have been saved, I would not die,
Please, my beloved, do not cry.

It’s late for regrets, I had to go,
Wipe your tears, and let me go.

And when I move to a higher plane,
I will still feel your pain.

Every time you feel alone,
Believe I’m there, I haven’t gone.

I know life is sometimes hard to take,
But death is harder, don’t make my mistake.

IMMORTAL

It’s thundering and pouring outside,
The wind has blown the trees apart wide,
The palm trees rock from side to side,
But it’s quiet here on the inside.

The electric wires shake dangerously,
The windows rattle furiously,
The lightening rips the sky mercilessly,
And I relish my haven shamelessly.

The sunlight dims lower,
The day gets somber,
The shrubs drown in the shower,
And I laugh at people running for cover.

Against the window I hear the wind howling,
I tell the rain gods, “you can’t win”,
“You can’t touch me!” I keep singing,

Until the glass broke and the rain came in.

I HATE THIS CIRCUS

I turned in my papers and gladly took up another job at another MNC a month ago. I waited around long enough. 14 months is a long time. I wasn’t moved to the department of my choice, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. Enough was enough, if you won’t give me what I want, I’ll go find someone who will, I said. So I packed up my bags, turned in my papers and took up another job elsewhere. It isn’t all I ever wanted, but it’ll do for now, I thought.

Last three days of my notice period left and my team mates are all being trained on doing news stories, something I kept begging for, for the last 14 months and I go WTF! Am I supposed to find this funny? Is God playing a prank on me? I took up another job, without a pay hike and which is a two hour bus ride away from my house. Here at my present job, I get a home pick up and drop. Why is life so unfair? Why don’t people get what they want, when they want it? Why does it all come to them when they don’t need it anymore?

Am I supposed to find this a test God is putting me to? I can’t help but find this whole thing one hilarious joke God played on me and can’t help but think that somewhere up there, God is having the heartiest laugh ever. Well, at least someone’s laughing. That’s life; a circus. Some days you are the lion, some days the clown.

MY INSANE LONELINESS

You came into my life like a breeze astray,
You held my hand and promised to stay.
To be there in crises when I might need you.
As naive as I was, I blindly believed you.

There came times when the pain was so hard and deep,
My tears soaked my pillow, until I fell asleep.
I stretched out my hand for you to lead me to light.
But I didn't find you, all I found was darkness and fright.

I waited in vain for you to come and comfort me,
To help me battle my complexes and set me free.
You never came, but instead came more pain and despair.
I tried to end my life, 'cause i found it so unfair.

Is it my fault now that I don't believe in love?
No one is worth trusting, there is no such thing as love.
Everyone is selfish with a motive in mind.
I believe I'm too far gone, and love I shall never find.

Crying away nights has become my new obsession.
Bidding goodbye to the living world is now my mission.
I fear no one will cry at my grave after I'm gone.
But worse is the fear of living and then dying alone.

Something I wrote a long time ago.

MORONIC ME

I hate being ordinary, and yet, no matter how much I fight it, I know I am. I hate being a face in the crowd and hate the fact that I’m going to die being a face in the crowd. The fact that I’ll die and people will eventually stop thinking about me is scary. But then, at the end of it all, we are all faces in the crowd. Nobody is immortal, and every person, no matter how great, will eventually die out of our memories. Maybe there will be a tomb, maybe there will be a public holiday. But even in the most selfish and practical sense, how many of us actually think of Mumtaz Mahal or thank of Shah Jahan for building the majestic Taj Mahal? How many of us are actually grateful that Gandhiji was born, hence the holiday on Oct 2? Sure, their names have gone down in history and will be passed down from generation to generation, but does anyone genuinely care?

I hate the fact that life is so fragile, so limited and so dispensable. And in this limited time period, you have scores of restrictions. Don’t do this, or that won’t be appreciated by the ‘society’. Alright, so I have one very ordinary and very limited life to live and I am supposed to spend half of it worrying about what other losers with even more ordinary lives would think about me trying to make my life a little more interesting?

Everyday, it just kills me to realize that someday I will fade into nothingness. Its not the dying that scares me, believe me, I could die today without caring less. It’s the facelessness that’s scary. How will I be any different than the millions that die everyday in some or the other corner of the world? I won’t be. That’s the only answer I find. Call me selfish and a self obsessed narcissist, but that really bothers me. Being just another face in the crowd bothers me.

I don’t like to think that someday I will get married and have kids and lead a very ordinary life like everyone else. What if I’m not okay with that? What if I’m not okay with my life revolving around my husband and children? What if that’s just not good enough for me? I know it’s just a phase. On some days, I find the thought of having a married life with a husband to come home to, very comforting. While on other days, I just don’t want to grow any older and take on those responsibilities and compromise my freedom. My sister once said to me, “the problem with you is that your teenage still hasn’t ended.” I guess I just refuse to grow old. I used to think that’s a good thing, I still would, if it wasn’t for the restrictions I keep meeting everywhere.

I find myself so confused at so many junctions. Some days I’m the rebel who wants to break all barriers and break free for good, while on other days I am the tired fighter who is about to raise the white flag. I remember being this same confused soul in my adolescence, always wondering, always pondering, always questioning and in the end, always lost. I alienated myself in my own fantasy land and drifted apart from people I called friends. I kept thinking, its just puberty, just teenage, when I grow up, I’ll grow out of it and find sense. But here I am all of 22, and still pretty dumbfounded.

There are so many things I want to achieve, to do before my youth forsakes me. I used to have a list about things I want to do before I turn 18, which was pretty foolish because I only sprouted wings after 18. Anyway, what happened to the list, I’ll never know, probably got destroyed in one of my ‘white flag’ phases. One thing I have learnt anyhow is that ‘someday is not a day of the week’. If there is something you always wanted, there is no better time than ‘now’. I wanted a guitar; I wanted to learn to play it. I didn’t have the funds and my parents wouldn’t buy me one. So I waited till I got a good job with a handsome salary and went ahead and bought me a guitar. People told me to wait until I had more time to devote to it, but if you say you have no time, you’ll never have the time. I always wanted a permanent tattoo but I knew my parents would be dead against it. Lesson 2, if you want something bad enough, give it your all and it WILL come to you. I got my wish; I have a beautiful butterfly adorning my back.

One thing I know is that I’ll never stop fighting. Fighting against stereotypes, fighting against gender inequality, fighting against limitations, because there is just one life and in this one life, the sky is the limit and I’ll die fighting for it. Who wants to look back on those years and wonder, where those years have gone?

A tribute to my doggie

You were just a month old when we brought you into our lives. You lil fur ball worth Rs. 500. You were the smallest amongst all your siblings and no one seemed to want you. I thank those others for not wanting you, how else would you have blessed us with your indispensable presence.
After those beautiful 14 years, how do I watch you suffer now, right here in my arms. I knew it would come to this, the day the doctor told us about your tumor, but nothing could have prepared me for the pain I would have to go through. Here you are now, coughing blood and begging us to help, your beautiful button eyes now getting glazed. Do you even recognize us? All I want right now is for you to die, go away from this cruel world, escape the pain, pay no more for a sin you didn't commit.
I watch you now and know it's only a matter of time before you'll evaporate into nothingness and I can hear the clock ticking between your coughs. How do I accept that the clock is counting down your last minutes. How do I accept that I won't hear your bark when I ring the bell anymore. How do I accept that when I come up the stairs, I wont hear you sniffing excitedly from the other side of the door, sensing my presence even before you see me.
How do I accept that I won't move my feet below the table and find a warm, fuzzy rolled up creature there. How do I accept that I can't drop food around the house because no little furry vacuum cleaner will come around to clean it up. How do I accept that I can stay in the bathroom for as long as I want because you won't come and whine outside the door because you need to come in and pee.
How do I accept that I won't look out the window and feel you behind me getting restless because you want to sit at the window too. How do I accept that you won't need comforting when the loud crackers are burst during Diwali because you just aren't there. How do I accept that every time achhan goes to the bathroom, I won't find you outside it, trying to furiously dig your way through the marble floor.
How do I accept that every time I pick out a black tee shirt, I wont find little white fur clinging to it even after a couple of washes. How do I accept that you won't follow me to the kitchen every time I go there. How do I accept that when amma is cutting dudhi, I won't find you waiting patiently in the kitchen for your share.
How do I accept that I can't sing and dance for you anymore. How do I accept that I won't get to call you my Valentine on Feb 14. How do I accept that now I won't get irritated hearing chechi calling you weird names or singing the stupidest of songs to you. How do I accept that I won't see muddy little flower shaped paw prints on the staircase, a sure sign that you had been to the garden.
How do I accept that I can leave food on the table before going to bed and not find it scattered all over the floor in morning. How do I accept that I wont hear you howling in your sleep in the middle of the night and have me and chechi come to you and help you go back to sleep.
Who will keep me company when I'm staying up late studying or watching T.V. Who do I feed the food I don't feel like eating. Who do I cry to or call names when I feel frustrated. Who do I use as my pillow when I lie on the floor. Who do I hug and kiss and feel the world is right again.
It’s going to be so difficult to live without you Sweety, our baby, our clown, our punching bag, our angel. You’ve been the best dog. You rest now.

Remind me again ..

Another drudgerous day gone by,
I gratefully get into the cab to go home,
My eye wanders to the sky painted pink,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

I roll down the window to get a better view,
And a whiff of cool air hits my face,
Giving me the news that it has rained somewhere,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

Further down, the mud went from dry to wet,
So this is the 'somewhere' where it has rained,
The intoxicating smell of mud rose to my nose,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

And then there was a flash across the sky,
So sudden and quiet that you wonder if it really happened,
And slowly the droplets began drumming on the roof,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

Finally the rain came pouring down,
It hit my face and washed away the frown,
I felt the touch of divinity in each drop,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

I wanted to applaud the orchestrated show,
The justice done to every role,
Its all for you! they seemed to say,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

Open the window

Its a beautiful world out there. It always was a beautiful world out there. You just chose to close your windows and ignore it. Open that window and take a peek
It is so easy to be happy and yet so difficult, simply because people keep looking in the wrong places.

Angels and Demons

The mind is an incredible and mysterious device. It just never ceases to amaze and mystify me. Why is it so hard to be happy and yet so amazingly easy to be unhappy? Why is it that happiness has to be consciously achieved and yet sadness comes ever so naturally? How is it that there are innumerous books and theories out there giving you a point wise guidance to achieve ultimate happiness and none that tell you how to achieve unhappiness? Are there any naturally happy people out there at all? If you ask me, the only 'naturally happy' people on Earth are babies - the most innocent, unmaterialistic, worry free, blissfully happy years of life. At what stage along the way do we forget how to be 'naturally happy'?

Now, I don't know if this is a natural and common phenomenon, but at least in my case, I have to make myself 'consciously happy' by telling myself happiness quotes that I read somewhere or even optimistic songs like 'Raindrops keep falling on my head'. My mind needs to be 'told' to be happy, it never does it need to be told to be sad.

Why is this the case? How pathetic and depressed are we? Why is the mind such a sadist which readily lets in the demons while the angels need invitation? And you know whats the other thing I've noticed? Happiness and positivity deserts you right when you need it the most. Another frustrating irony of life. I sit down to study one of my most hated subjects and I need my optimism now more than ever. But that's exactly when out of nowhere my long forgotten or consciously suppressed demons from the past come haunting.

But you know whats the best part. The sooner you realize this irony, the sooner you will be armed to fight it. Acceptance is the answer. Don't question it, don't fight it, just accept it as one of those innumerous things you are defenseless against. Then, it will become a part of you, a part of your life and would cease to bother you.

Now, every time the demons come at exactly a moment when they are most unwelcome, it makes me laugh. The whole deal has become amusing now, so very predictable. An enemy isn't so threatening anymore when you know its next move. The surprise element is lost. More power to me! Life is beautiful again! :D

Losing my marbles

Losing my marbles, got to hold on to something
I know I'm not weak, I can tide over this
I don't know what I need, I just don't feel complete
All these expectations people have from me
I can't fulfill them and I'll never be free
It's scary 'cause I'm not any of those things you think I am
I am ugly, ugly as can be and I can't look into the mirror and face the sham
How do I tell you, it's all a lie
How do I tell you, I just want to die
Bitter feelings keep resurfacing
I just about manage to breathe and watch the day passing
I got to gain control, I want to feel right
But I go back to hating myself, I can't stand my sight
People look at me as if I'm some kind of a freak
My thoughts are too dark for them, makes them recoil and shriek
Imagine what its like for me to grow up with them
For years I've been looking for a light to guide me out of this den ...
(Poem is incomplete .. maybe someday I shall find the right words to finally complete it.)

Occasional frustration

Sometimes I just feel like life is passing me by and I am not doing anything about it. Just sitting and watching as it goes along, adding age to my life, making me 'too old for this and too old for that'. I realize in life you have to work really hard, climb up the ladder, make something of yourself, but if you spend your whole life doing that, when exactly do you enjoy its fruits? I don't care what I'll want when I am 60, I don't know if I'll survive to see 30, I'm 22 so please let me be 22!I want to go bungee jumping, I want to climb up that mountain, tire myself out to the core getting up there and then sit and relish its rewards. I know there is no such thing as a free lunch in life; you have to work for everything. I don't come from an affluent family, never got anything too easily and I'm already contributing to my family income hence quitting my job and enjoying my life is certainly not an option.I hear people telling me how important it is to work hard right now, learn new things so you have a secured future. To hell with that, I don't live in the future. I don't know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow so I sure as hell don't care where I'll be 30 yrs down the line. I can always make more money, but I'll never get my age back.So now is the time to do stuff, act crazy not weigh the pros and cons. Before long, I'll b of 'marriageable age' and parents will start hunting for the 'eligible bachelor', now that's a whole different discussion but my point is, I still have a couple of years before that happens and I want to make the most of it. My life is mine and no one else's, it never was, it never will be, and I am responsible for every second of it. Nothing I ever did will be attributed to anybody else. My merits are mine, I earned them, my demerits are mine because I earned them too. I made my mistakes and take full responsibility for it, and I regret nothing, NOTHING.I want to live my life such that I have enough memories that I can fondly look back on when I am old, because then, that'll probably the only thing keeping you going. I dont want to grow old and regret not having done something I really wanted when I had the time and now it is too late. I want to have fun tales to narrate to my grandchildren so I can tell them that life was a lot of fun even in their grandmother's times. People say I am a little crazy, they're right. And it is that little craziness thats making life a whole lotta fun !

Bereavement Poem

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep - Mary Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

Desiderata - By Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

'If' By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master, If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings and never breath a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them: "Hold on!" If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)