Innocence is alive!

I was on my way to work today morning standing in the local in my characteristic, music in ears, book in hands pose, oblivious to the world around me. Then two little school girls got on, about 5-6 years old, probably hailing from the slums. I was oblivious to their presence too. I got a phone call and one of the girls turned to look at me, and during the course of the call, I noticed that this little girl kept staring at me watching my lips move in fluent English and then looking me over in my corporate formals. I was little peeved because I hate eyes on me. Anyway, so I ended the call and returned to my book, but I kept feeling her unblinking stare still on me. Then finally, I decided to do what I generally do to make people stop staring, stare right back into their eyes, challenging them. So I raised my head, put on my sternest face and stared the little girl back in the eye. And then, she did the most unexpected thing. Instead of looking away embarrassed, like most people do, she broke into the most innocent, most endearing, unguarded smiles I’ve seen, and I melted. In return I smiled back, but it wasn’t half as pure and uninhibited. She brightened up my morning, that sweet little thing. God bless her.

It got me thinking, why are we always so on the defensive, why did I mistake the completely naïve inquisitive, admiring gaze of a little girl to be malicious? Why do we always think the world is out to harm us? The sad thing is, somewhere along the way, that girl will also lose that beautiful innocent, full smile and become an untrusting old soul like me.

To whomsoever it may concern

I will run away one of these days, and I will appreciate it, if you didn’t pursue me. Let me be for a while. Let me find me. I cannot find myself; think for myself, if I am constantly thinking about you. I am not running away from you, I’m not running to somebody. I just want to find myself. I would like to say ‘again’, but I don’t think I ever did find myself. Not in 24 years. How long can I go without knowing the one person of crucial importance to me? My fear is that, I’m already giving up the quest of finding myself. I know that once I do find myself, I’ll find everything else. I’ll put a rest to this constant restlessness, vengefulness, disquiet and unhappiness. I have everything I need for a happy life and yet I am so agonizingly unhappy. I am bitter, unjust and selfish. And I am achingly aware of these facts. I am so tired of looking away and pushing it to the back of my mind.

My soul is like a little child seeking attention from a parent, but the parent just never seems to find the time. It’s so wrong. My conscience is appealing to me time and again for some time, just some time alone. It is not too much to ask. But I just don’t have it. I don’t have time to spare for my core being. It’s the saddest thing. How can you go on when your core, your roots, your soul is dying? Nothing that comes out of such a being can ever be right. The basics, the foundation, it has to be strong and not shaky. I have to find myself. I have to know what I want. I feel so unhinged. I am tired of being a drifting leaf, detached from my tree. I feel like an orphan. I have to find my roots, my parents. How can I do that if no one just lets me be? I hate it when I step into a room and eyes turn to me. God damn it, DON’T LOOK AT ME. I just want scream into their faces “WHAT? WHAT’S THERE TO STARE ABOUT??” Why can’t I just be invisible? The attention, I hate it! It messes with my personal space, my personal sense of quiet.

And so, I’m going to run away one of these days. I will return, I swear. You might not want me then. But, I do hope you would understand someday. I might lose you, but I might find myself. For if I don’t find myself, I’ll have neither me nor you.

Relationship Mantra

No man can destroy me, no matter how madly I love him

No ex-girlfriend’s ghost will haunt me, no matter how insecure I am

No boy nor girl is worth my precious tears

No angel nor devil is worth my sleepless nights

I, a wonder of the world, God’s own creation

I, a miracle of two incredible humans to walk this Earth

I, a joyful, lovely, enigmatic flower child

I am above jealousy and pettiness

I will not cry for that which is not mine, or for that which is

For that which is not mine, I cannot trap, and that which is, I cannot lose

And whatever/whoever stays or leaves, it will be my destiny

And I’ll still be here, shrugging, accepting, and not crying