To whomsoever it may concern

I will run away one of these days, and I will appreciate it, if you didn’t pursue me. Let me be for a while. Let me find me. I cannot find myself; think for myself, if I am constantly thinking about you. I am not running away from you, I’m not running to somebody. I just want to find myself. I would like to say ‘again’, but I don’t think I ever did find myself. Not in 24 years. How long can I go without knowing the one person of crucial importance to me? My fear is that, I’m already giving up the quest of finding myself. I know that once I do find myself, I’ll find everything else. I’ll put a rest to this constant restlessness, vengefulness, disquiet and unhappiness. I have everything I need for a happy life and yet I am so agonizingly unhappy. I am bitter, unjust and selfish. And I am achingly aware of these facts. I am so tired of looking away and pushing it to the back of my mind.

My soul is like a little child seeking attention from a parent, but the parent just never seems to find the time. It’s so wrong. My conscience is appealing to me time and again for some time, just some time alone. It is not too much to ask. But I just don’t have it. I don’t have time to spare for my core being. It’s the saddest thing. How can you go on when your core, your roots, your soul is dying? Nothing that comes out of such a being can ever be right. The basics, the foundation, it has to be strong and not shaky. I have to find myself. I have to know what I want. I feel so unhinged. I am tired of being a drifting leaf, detached from my tree. I feel like an orphan. I have to find my roots, my parents. How can I do that if no one just lets me be? I hate it when I step into a room and eyes turn to me. God damn it, DON’T LOOK AT ME. I just want scream into their faces “WHAT? WHAT’S THERE TO STARE ABOUT??” Why can’t I just be invisible? The attention, I hate it! It messes with my personal space, my personal sense of quiet.

And so, I’m going to run away one of these days. I will return, I swear. You might not want me then. But, I do hope you would understand someday. I might lose you, but I might find myself. For if I don’t find myself, I’ll have neither me nor you.