I’M KEEPING YOU FOREVER AND FOR ALWAYS

Daddy passed away yesterday. I don’t know what to feel. He was right here a few days ago, having tea with us, eating lunch with us, watching television with us, calling me funny names, making the silliest of rhymes, cracking the lamest of jokes. Daddy, that beautiful, lively, kind, generous, loving person has gone up in smoke, literally. 54 is no age to die, 44 is no age to be a widow, and 22 and 24 is no age to be fatherless. If I ever felt like dying, I feel it now more than ever. I’ve been suicidal for the longest time. Most of my poems reflect that. Daddy’s death has effectively removed every suicidal thought from my mind for good. I have realized that it is not just cowardly, but it is the most selfish thing one can do. I can’t imagine a life without daddy.

Daddy’s surgery was not supposed to be life threatening. He didn’t have a history of heart disease. His chest X-rays were all clear. Daddy was supposed to walk back into this house hale and hearty. He was not supposed to be brought in on a stretcher, only to be bathed, dressed in new clothes and be taken to the crematory. This is just not according to the agenda. That heart attack on Sunday morning was simply unaccounted for. It’s all wrong! Please, oh please turn back time so we can do it right this time. But that’s just not how is goes, is it? There are no retakes in life. There are no rehearsals. And there definitely aren’t any ‘plans’, at least not ones made by us mortals.

It makes me so angry. Daddy had a painless death. It was an instant, silent heart attack. He had his most beloved wife by his side till the very last breath. He used to say, “I don’t have a lot of time left, I don’t want to live for long” even on his healthiest days. He’d say that his wife and two daughters all have stable jobs. They are mature, independent, confident women and well equipped to take care of themselves. His job here is done, now for a painless death. Looks like his life did go according to plan.

But it makes me so angry, even though I know it’s wrong to question God. Daddy lived life the way he wanted. He ate all he wanted, drank all he wanted and smoked all he wanted. He loved us dearly, and we loved him dearly and that’s why begged him to change his ways. But he never listened. Weak will or stubbornness, call it whatever. Ultimately today, I am left without a father.
Daddy, I love you like crazy, and I am and always will be your little girl. But if only you had cared about yourself as much as you cared about us, you would probably still be around. But I forgive you, and I love you and miss you, forever and for always. Rest in peace.