FREE YOUR SOUL

It’s been nearly 3 days since daddy’s demise. Since then, I feel this unusual sense of freedom. Not from daddy, no, but from life, from God, from my conscience. I don’t know. I am trying to find the right words to make you understand. But I realize that you will only understand when you are standing where I am standing today. But I’m going to try to convey this feeling anyway. So here goes.

It’s this liberating feeling of knowing how less you can do, how less the control of life is in your hands. It’s like your life’s steering wheel is not in your hands. You are simply a passenger. If you think you are the driver, go wash your face. And when you are the passenger, you don’t have to be bothered about the bumps in the road, the other vehicles or the cliff’s dead end ahead. Just enjoy the ride; there is little else you can do.

I used to be a staunch believer of ‘you make your own destiny’ or the Secret’s ‘power of attraction’. I’m not anymore. I don’t disbelieve it. I don’t call it a farce. But I’m just not a devotee anymore.

What I do call a farce is astrology. It’s nothing but a truck load of bullshit, horseshit, human shit and some other forms of assorted crap. My mum is a qualified astrologer. She never foresaw daddy’s sudden death. Neither did any of the zillion other astrologers we consulted predict it. Daddy even had a long lifeline. You know what else, daddy’s death certificate states his time of death as 6.00 AM. Wow, A round number! It’s funny because mummy remembers daddy’s cardiac arrest as somewhere around 4.20 AM. Point to ponder, how do you know the time on your birth certificate is accurate? Considering all these kundlis are based on the accurate birth time, am I to assume that I am probably leading somebody else’s life?

Anyway, coming back to the point I started out with, my belief is the astrology system has effectively vanished. My own mother being an astrologer, astrology had a considerable influence in my life. So not having to adhere to that is liberating. Astrologically, mummy was supposed to pass away before daddy. Oh, well.

Next up – God. My God was dear to me. I spoke to him every minute of everyday. I thanked him for every breath I took. I begged, pleaded and even commanded him to bring daddy home safe and sound. Didn’t happen. So now, I’m liberated from that obligation. I am free to do, say and wish whatever I want. He will ultimately do as he desires. I still pray before going to bed and I pray for daddy’s soul. But the obsessive faith is on a holiday.

I can’t think of a worse thing happening in my life for a long time now. I am comfortably numb. I fear nothing no more. I could be hit by a truck and not feel a thing. Bring it on life, ‘cause I don’t give a shit.