AFTER THE SWAN HAS SUNG

Close your eyes, say a prayer,
You can’t see me, but I’ll be there.

I’ll be the feather that floats with grace,
I’ll make it there to brighten your face.

I‘ll be the smile in your happiness,
I’ll be the light in your darkness.

Every time you visit my grave,
I know you wonder if I could’ve been saved.

If I could have been saved, I would not die,
Please, my beloved, do not cry.

It’s late for regrets, I had to go,
Wipe your tears, and let me go.

And when I move to a higher plane,
I will still feel your pain.

Every time you feel alone,
Believe I’m there, I haven’t gone.

I know life is sometimes hard to take,
But death is harder, don’t make my mistake.

IMMORTAL

It’s thundering and pouring outside,
The wind has blown the trees apart wide,
The palm trees rock from side to side,
But it’s quiet here on the inside.

The electric wires shake dangerously,
The windows rattle furiously,
The lightening rips the sky mercilessly,
And I relish my haven shamelessly.

The sunlight dims lower,
The day gets somber,
The shrubs drown in the shower,
And I laugh at people running for cover.

Against the window I hear the wind howling,
I tell the rain gods, “you can’t win”,
“You can’t touch me!” I keep singing,

Until the glass broke and the rain came in.

I HATE THIS CIRCUS

I turned in my papers and gladly took up another job at another MNC a month ago. I waited around long enough. 14 months is a long time. I wasn’t moved to the department of my choice, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. Enough was enough, if you won’t give me what I want, I’ll go find someone who will, I said. So I packed up my bags, turned in my papers and took up another job elsewhere. It isn’t all I ever wanted, but it’ll do for now, I thought.

Last three days of my notice period left and my team mates are all being trained on doing news stories, something I kept begging for, for the last 14 months and I go WTF! Am I supposed to find this funny? Is God playing a prank on me? I took up another job, without a pay hike and which is a two hour bus ride away from my house. Here at my present job, I get a home pick up and drop. Why is life so unfair? Why don’t people get what they want, when they want it? Why does it all come to them when they don’t need it anymore?

Am I supposed to find this a test God is putting me to? I can’t help but find this whole thing one hilarious joke God played on me and can’t help but think that somewhere up there, God is having the heartiest laugh ever. Well, at least someone’s laughing. That’s life; a circus. Some days you are the lion, some days the clown.

MY INSANE LONELINESS

You came into my life like a breeze astray,
You held my hand and promised to stay.
To be there in crises when I might need you.
As naive as I was, I blindly believed you.

There came times when the pain was so hard and deep,
My tears soaked my pillow, until I fell asleep.
I stretched out my hand for you to lead me to light.
But I didn't find you, all I found was darkness and fright.

I waited in vain for you to come and comfort me,
To help me battle my complexes and set me free.
You never came, but instead came more pain and despair.
I tried to end my life, 'cause i found it so unfair.

Is it my fault now that I don't believe in love?
No one is worth trusting, there is no such thing as love.
Everyone is selfish with a motive in mind.
I believe I'm too far gone, and love I shall never find.

Crying away nights has become my new obsession.
Bidding goodbye to the living world is now my mission.
I fear no one will cry at my grave after I'm gone.
But worse is the fear of living and then dying alone.

Something I wrote a long time ago.

MORONIC ME

I hate being ordinary, and yet, no matter how much I fight it, I know I am. I hate being a face in the crowd and hate the fact that I’m going to die being a face in the crowd. The fact that I’ll die and people will eventually stop thinking about me is scary. But then, at the end of it all, we are all faces in the crowd. Nobody is immortal, and every person, no matter how great, will eventually die out of our memories. Maybe there will be a tomb, maybe there will be a public holiday. But even in the most selfish and practical sense, how many of us actually think of Mumtaz Mahal or thank of Shah Jahan for building the majestic Taj Mahal? How many of us are actually grateful that Gandhiji was born, hence the holiday on Oct 2? Sure, their names have gone down in history and will be passed down from generation to generation, but does anyone genuinely care?

I hate the fact that life is so fragile, so limited and so dispensable. And in this limited time period, you have scores of restrictions. Don’t do this, or that won’t be appreciated by the ‘society’. Alright, so I have one very ordinary and very limited life to live and I am supposed to spend half of it worrying about what other losers with even more ordinary lives would think about me trying to make my life a little more interesting?

Everyday, it just kills me to realize that someday I will fade into nothingness. Its not the dying that scares me, believe me, I could die today without caring less. It’s the facelessness that’s scary. How will I be any different than the millions that die everyday in some or the other corner of the world? I won’t be. That’s the only answer I find. Call me selfish and a self obsessed narcissist, but that really bothers me. Being just another face in the crowd bothers me.

I don’t like to think that someday I will get married and have kids and lead a very ordinary life like everyone else. What if I’m not okay with that? What if I’m not okay with my life revolving around my husband and children? What if that’s just not good enough for me? I know it’s just a phase. On some days, I find the thought of having a married life with a husband to come home to, very comforting. While on other days, I just don’t want to grow any older and take on those responsibilities and compromise my freedom. My sister once said to me, “the problem with you is that your teenage still hasn’t ended.” I guess I just refuse to grow old. I used to think that’s a good thing, I still would, if it wasn’t for the restrictions I keep meeting everywhere.

I find myself so confused at so many junctions. Some days I’m the rebel who wants to break all barriers and break free for good, while on other days I am the tired fighter who is about to raise the white flag. I remember being this same confused soul in my adolescence, always wondering, always pondering, always questioning and in the end, always lost. I alienated myself in my own fantasy land and drifted apart from people I called friends. I kept thinking, its just puberty, just teenage, when I grow up, I’ll grow out of it and find sense. But here I am all of 22, and still pretty dumbfounded.

There are so many things I want to achieve, to do before my youth forsakes me. I used to have a list about things I want to do before I turn 18, which was pretty foolish because I only sprouted wings after 18. Anyway, what happened to the list, I’ll never know, probably got destroyed in one of my ‘white flag’ phases. One thing I have learnt anyhow is that ‘someday is not a day of the week’. If there is something you always wanted, there is no better time than ‘now’. I wanted a guitar; I wanted to learn to play it. I didn’t have the funds and my parents wouldn’t buy me one. So I waited till I got a good job with a handsome salary and went ahead and bought me a guitar. People told me to wait until I had more time to devote to it, but if you say you have no time, you’ll never have the time. I always wanted a permanent tattoo but I knew my parents would be dead against it. Lesson 2, if you want something bad enough, give it your all and it WILL come to you. I got my wish; I have a beautiful butterfly adorning my back.

One thing I know is that I’ll never stop fighting. Fighting against stereotypes, fighting against gender inequality, fighting against limitations, because there is just one life and in this one life, the sky is the limit and I’ll die fighting for it. Who wants to look back on those years and wonder, where those years have gone?

A tribute to my doggie

You were just a month old when we brought you into our lives. You lil fur ball worth Rs. 500. You were the smallest amongst all your siblings and no one seemed to want you. I thank those others for not wanting you, how else would you have blessed us with your indispensable presence.
After those beautiful 14 years, how do I watch you suffer now, right here in my arms. I knew it would come to this, the day the doctor told us about your tumor, but nothing could have prepared me for the pain I would have to go through. Here you are now, coughing blood and begging us to help, your beautiful button eyes now getting glazed. Do you even recognize us? All I want right now is for you to die, go away from this cruel world, escape the pain, pay no more for a sin you didn't commit.
I watch you now and know it's only a matter of time before you'll evaporate into nothingness and I can hear the clock ticking between your coughs. How do I accept that the clock is counting down your last minutes. How do I accept that I won't hear your bark when I ring the bell anymore. How do I accept that when I come up the stairs, I wont hear you sniffing excitedly from the other side of the door, sensing my presence even before you see me.
How do I accept that I won't move my feet below the table and find a warm, fuzzy rolled up creature there. How do I accept that I can't drop food around the house because no little furry vacuum cleaner will come around to clean it up. How do I accept that I can stay in the bathroom for as long as I want because you won't come and whine outside the door because you need to come in and pee.
How do I accept that I won't look out the window and feel you behind me getting restless because you want to sit at the window too. How do I accept that you won't need comforting when the loud crackers are burst during Diwali because you just aren't there. How do I accept that every time achhan goes to the bathroom, I won't find you outside it, trying to furiously dig your way through the marble floor.
How do I accept that every time I pick out a black tee shirt, I wont find little white fur clinging to it even after a couple of washes. How do I accept that you won't follow me to the kitchen every time I go there. How do I accept that when amma is cutting dudhi, I won't find you waiting patiently in the kitchen for your share.
How do I accept that I can't sing and dance for you anymore. How do I accept that I won't get to call you my Valentine on Feb 14. How do I accept that now I won't get irritated hearing chechi calling you weird names or singing the stupidest of songs to you. How do I accept that I won't see muddy little flower shaped paw prints on the staircase, a sure sign that you had been to the garden.
How do I accept that I can leave food on the table before going to bed and not find it scattered all over the floor in morning. How do I accept that I wont hear you howling in your sleep in the middle of the night and have me and chechi come to you and help you go back to sleep.
Who will keep me company when I'm staying up late studying or watching T.V. Who do I feed the food I don't feel like eating. Who do I cry to or call names when I feel frustrated. Who do I use as my pillow when I lie on the floor. Who do I hug and kiss and feel the world is right again.
It’s going to be so difficult to live without you Sweety, our baby, our clown, our punching bag, our angel. You’ve been the best dog. You rest now.

Remind me again ..

Another drudgerous day gone by,
I gratefully get into the cab to go home,
My eye wanders to the sky painted pink,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

I roll down the window to get a better view,
And a whiff of cool air hits my face,
Giving me the news that it has rained somewhere,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

Further down, the mud went from dry to wet,
So this is the 'somewhere' where it has rained,
The intoxicating smell of mud rose to my nose,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

And then there was a flash across the sky,
So sudden and quiet that you wonder if it really happened,
And slowly the droplets began drumming on the roof,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

Finally the rain came pouring down,
It hit my face and washed away the frown,
I felt the touch of divinity in each drop,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.

I wanted to applaud the orchestrated show,
The justice done to every role,
Its all for you! they seemed to say,
And I think, remind me again why I was unhappy.