Savage love

Vibrant, stimulating, she flicked out her tongue

Alluring, ravishing, bright as the sun

I want her, I want her, they began the chanting

She teased, she tempted, her heat inviting

I saw her, I knew her, an old scornful foe

I warned them, I stopped them, or tried to do so

Flying and swarming, they began their drunken dance

As they flitted in closer, they lost their last chance

She licked out at them with a venomous passion

I stood by and watched them hurt in such miserable fashion

Burning and scalding, they came back in vain

For now hate as they might, they were addicted to pain

From head to paper

Life seems to be spinning out of control and yet it is seems to be moving along in such a systematic and controlled manner. That’s just to say, it’s all in my head. I’m getting increasingly exhausted of it all ­– running from the demons of my past, handling professional disappointments in my far-from-perfect job, family problems, uncertain future, and so and so forth. I’ll finally be 25 in a couple of weeks, the age I had told my mum she could start the hunt for my groom. Arranged marriage, its finally going to happen to me. It seems so unreal. It’s not that I was hoping to have a love marriage (or maybe, secretly I was), it’s just that I don’t think I ever thought ‘marriage’ would ever happen to me. Just never really took it into account in my scheme of things. But wait, what scheme of things? I’ve never been a forward thinking person anyway, so marriage, gawd no, I’ve never pictured myself as a wife. What did I picture myself as? I don’t know!

Sometimes it’s like, even though I’ve been here on this planet since 25 years, I still feel like a hatchling, just stepping out of my egg shell looking up at this big bad world. Have you ever observed a fledgling? A tiny little fluffy chicken? They tend to run after any moving object, not necessarily their mum. Gladly following them to wherever they may lead, trustingly, naively, stupidly. I feel like that. The need to belong to something, some place, someone is so strong! I feel like a rudderless ship at all times! You’ll see me gyming one day, kick boxing the next, playing the guitar one day, learning to dance another, wanting to chop off my hair one day, wanting to have it drop to my hips another, signing up for literature lessons one day, public relations another. Like a stupid attention deficient goldfish! What the hell do I want! 

I’m going to Vipasanna next week. Anyone who doesn’t know what that is, will have to do the googling themselves. I’m not explaining. I’m hoping to find a lot of my answers there. Hoping to find some clarity, some direction. I’ll be spending my 25^th birthday in there, away from phone calls, birthday wishes, cakes and presents. Just me and my spirituality. Many people have been supportive of the idea, but there also have been several naysayers. People who don’t understand the idea, mock me with questions like, “Do we call you mata after you return? Will you have to wear white or saffron clothes inside the facility?” The constant jokes are really annoying. They find it unimaginable that someone would want to put themselves through all that trouble. WHY?? They ask. WHY NOT! I ask. Yes, it is a little extreme and it is not for everyone, probably not for a restless soul like me either. But I still want to give it a fair shot, alright? SUE ME!

What if I have to marry a person who doesn’t understand these abnormalities? I recently read Bridges of Madison County. I hated it. It’s about a married mother of two who has a one night stand with a complete stranger and they fall in love but they can’t do anything about it since she is married, so they live the rest of their lives pining for each other. Mushy hogwash. This one should have been part of the Mills & Boons series. No, I’m sorry, infidelity is NOT justifiable. The heroine of the book is married to a rather simple man – he’s a good husband and a good father but he’s conservative. And the small town is a ‘good place to raise the kids’ with good neighbours, who are also, however, conservative. The simplicity and safety of the life frustrates madam free-spirited, thereby leading to the affair. Her husband constantly suppresses her desire to dress as she wants her desire to work, her creativity, etc. Now that’s the scary part, the feeling of being trapped with a person who doesn’t understand you. Omg, marriage is scary.  

Zindagi ke safar mein guzar jaate hai jo makaam

Bachpann mei hum sapne dekha karte the, maa ki godd mei baithke, taare gina karte the

Sapnon mei sochte, jab bade honge, tab taare tod layenge maa ke liye

Jab bade hue, tab paison ki chamak mei iss tarah andhe ho gaye, ki sapne kahi peeche kaali parchaai mei chupp gaye

Paison ke peeche aise daude, ke parchaai bhi kadam na mila saki

Pyaar, sanskaar, parivaar, sab reh gaye peeche, hamari parchaai se guzara karte hue

Humne socha, jab Lakshmi ke haath dhare waapis lautenge, tab pyaar, parivaar, parchaai sab haath failaye khade honge

Humne to iraada kar liya tha, lekin Lakshmiji ke iraadon ka hisaab nahi kiya

Wo thehri, natkhat, chanchal hirani jaisi, jitna hum paas jaate, utna wo durr bhaagti

Arso gujar gaye, paison se kabhi jee nahi bhara

Ek roz jab palat ke dekha to pyaar ne saath chod diya tha, sanskaar bhrashtacharya mei ulajh gaya tha aur parivaar, wo to hamari raah dekhte dekhte jaane kab parchaai ke andhere mei simat gaya tha

Parchaai ab bhi hamare peeche thi, par paison ki tez daud ne uska naksha iss kadar badal diya tha ki hum khud apni parchaai ko pehchaan nahi paye

Sab kuch to kho chuke the hum, bas chitta ko aag lagana baaki reh gaya tha

Aaj paise kaam aayenge, kafan jo khareedne hai

Kaash ke hum bade hi na hote, hum maa ki godd mei, taaro se baatein karte hue hi khush the

(This is something I've been meaning to do since a while - write something in Hindi. It's just such a beautiful language.

I know there will be a zillion glaring errors so please feel free to point them out.)

Do you know what lies behind these dark eyes?

Look at me, LOOK AT ME! Not like that, you’re not ‘looking’ really. Try again. This time, really LOOK. Look into my eyes, what do you see? Do you see what I see in the mirror? No, don’t tell me they’re pretty. Look deeply, do you see the insanity? The creeping psychosis? Do you see it now? Do you see the worm in my brain?

If death is kind

Perhaps if Death is kind, and there can be returning,
We will come back to earth some fragrant night,
And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending
Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

We will come down at night to these resounding beaches
And the long gentle thunder of the sea,
Here for a single hour in the wide starlight
We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

~ Sara Teasdale

Humanity - the most important quality in an individual

Patriotism is over rated. All these wars and blood shed to protect the interests of one's country and countrymen, does it make sense at all? Hell no! There is this amazing quote I heard somewhere 'Patriotism is simply the belief that my country is better than yours because I was born in it.' I mean if a fiercely patriotic Australian was born in England instead, he'd be obsessing about how great England is. We're all exactly the same, no matter where we're born right? The countries, the borders, they're just details that have been receiving far too much importance. It is just a way for governments to stay in power, same goes for religion. I would refrain from discussing religion though for obvious reasons.

The single most important thing, according to me, is humanity. Just that, nothing else. Like a friend of mine recently pointed out - You can judge the real character of a person based on the way he treats someone who can be of no particular use to him. Her example went like this, "If I own a dog who is faithful to me, I'm obviously going to treat him well because he belongs to me, and he is a great comfort to me. But my character cannot be decided on the way I treat my pet dog. It should be ajudged depending on the way I treat the stray dogs who are of no use to me." Same goes for humans, for example, you can judge the true nature of a person by the way he/she treats an ex he/she has just broken up with. Does he/she excercise caution while dealing with the stray dog, that used to be his at some point, for the simple reason that it is a living being with feelings, or does he kick the stray, because well, "you are no longer there to lick my feet when I get home".

Makes tremendous sense I feel. Anyway, that's all I had to say through this blog. Humanity - the most important quality in an individual.