Do you know what lies behind these dark eyes?

Look at me, LOOK AT ME! Not like that, you’re not ‘looking’ really. Try again. This time, really LOOK. Look into my eyes, what do you see? Do you see what I see in the mirror? No, don’t tell me they’re pretty. Look deeply, do you see the insanity? The creeping psychosis? Do you see it now? Do you see the worm in my brain?

If death is kind

Perhaps if Death is kind, and there can be returning,
We will come back to earth some fragrant night,
And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending
Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

We will come down at night to these resounding beaches
And the long gentle thunder of the sea,
Here for a single hour in the wide starlight
We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

~ Sara Teasdale

Humanity - the most important quality in an individual

Patriotism is over rated. All these wars and blood shed to protect the interests of one's country and countrymen, does it make sense at all? Hell no! There is this amazing quote I heard somewhere 'Patriotism is simply the belief that my country is better than yours because I was born in it.' I mean if a fiercely patriotic Australian was born in England instead, he'd be obsessing about how great England is. We're all exactly the same, no matter where we're born right? The countries, the borders, they're just details that have been receiving far too much importance. It is just a way for governments to stay in power, same goes for religion. I would refrain from discussing religion though for obvious reasons.

The single most important thing, according to me, is humanity. Just that, nothing else. Like a friend of mine recently pointed out - You can judge the real character of a person based on the way he treats someone who can be of no particular use to him. Her example went like this, "If I own a dog who is faithful to me, I'm obviously going to treat him well because he belongs to me, and he is a great comfort to me. But my character cannot be decided on the way I treat my pet dog. It should be ajudged depending on the way I treat the stray dogs who are of no use to me." Same goes for humans, for example, you can judge the true nature of a person by the way he/she treats an ex he/she has just broken up with. Does he/she excercise caution while dealing with the stray dog, that used to be his at some point, for the simple reason that it is a living being with feelings, or does he kick the stray, because well, "you are no longer there to lick my feet when I get home".

Makes tremendous sense I feel. Anyway, that's all I had to say through this blog. Humanity - the most important quality in an individual.

Innocence is alive!

I was on my way to work today morning standing in the local in my characteristic, music in ears, book in hands pose, oblivious to the world around me. Then two little school girls got on, about 5-6 years old, probably hailing from the slums. I was oblivious to their presence too. I got a phone call and one of the girls turned to look at me, and during the course of the call, I noticed that this little girl kept staring at me watching my lips move in fluent English and then looking me over in my corporate formals. I was little peeved because I hate eyes on me. Anyway, so I ended the call and returned to my book, but I kept feeling her unblinking stare still on me. Then finally, I decided to do what I generally do to make people stop staring, stare right back into their eyes, challenging them. So I raised my head, put on my sternest face and stared the little girl back in the eye. And then, she did the most unexpected thing. Instead of looking away embarrassed, like most people do, she broke into the most innocent, most endearing, unguarded smiles I’ve seen, and I melted. In return I smiled back, but it wasn’t half as pure and uninhibited. She brightened up my morning, that sweet little thing. God bless her.

It got me thinking, why are we always so on the defensive, why did I mistake the completely naïve inquisitive, admiring gaze of a little girl to be malicious? Why do we always think the world is out to harm us? The sad thing is, somewhere along the way, that girl will also lose that beautiful innocent, full smile and become an untrusting old soul like me.

To whomsoever it may concern

I will run away one of these days, and I will appreciate it, if you didn’t pursue me. Let me be for a while. Let me find me. I cannot find myself; think for myself, if I am constantly thinking about you. I am not running away from you, I’m not running to somebody. I just want to find myself. I would like to say ‘again’, but I don’t think I ever did find myself. Not in 24 years. How long can I go without knowing the one person of crucial importance to me? My fear is that, I’m already giving up the quest of finding myself. I know that once I do find myself, I’ll find everything else. I’ll put a rest to this constant restlessness, vengefulness, disquiet and unhappiness. I have everything I need for a happy life and yet I am so agonizingly unhappy. I am bitter, unjust and selfish. And I am achingly aware of these facts. I am so tired of looking away and pushing it to the back of my mind.

My soul is like a little child seeking attention from a parent, but the parent just never seems to find the time. It’s so wrong. My conscience is appealing to me time and again for some time, just some time alone. It is not too much to ask. But I just don’t have it. I don’t have time to spare for my core being. It’s the saddest thing. How can you go on when your core, your roots, your soul is dying? Nothing that comes out of such a being can ever be right. The basics, the foundation, it has to be strong and not shaky. I have to find myself. I have to know what I want. I feel so unhinged. I am tired of being a drifting leaf, detached from my tree. I feel like an orphan. I have to find my roots, my parents. How can I do that if no one just lets me be? I hate it when I step into a room and eyes turn to me. God damn it, DON’T LOOK AT ME. I just want scream into their faces “WHAT? WHAT’S THERE TO STARE ABOUT??” Why can’t I just be invisible? The attention, I hate it! It messes with my personal space, my personal sense of quiet.

And so, I’m going to run away one of these days. I will return, I swear. You might not want me then. But, I do hope you would understand someday. I might lose you, but I might find myself. For if I don’t find myself, I’ll have neither me nor you.

Relationship Mantra

No man can destroy me, no matter how madly I love him

No ex-girlfriend’s ghost will haunt me, no matter how insecure I am

No boy nor girl is worth my precious tears

No angel nor devil is worth my sleepless nights

I, a wonder of the world, God’s own creation

I, a miracle of two incredible humans to walk this Earth

I, a joyful, lovely, enigmatic flower child

I am above jealousy and pettiness

I will not cry for that which is not mine, or for that which is

For that which is not mine, I cannot trap, and that which is, I cannot lose

And whatever/whoever stays or leaves, it will be my destiny

And I’ll still be here, shrugging, accepting, and not crying