Confessions of a rock lover

I love loud music. Head banging, ear splitting rock music. When I’m upset, it is what cheers me up. Iron Maiden on full volume on my iPod. It is a misconception that rock music makes youngsters aggressive and violent. Perhaps some of the gangster rap lyrics do that, where they glorify violence. But music per se doesn’t do that. When I listen to loud rock music, it calms me. I get bouts of restlessness. Depressive, frustrated, angry bouts of restlessness when I don’t know what to do with myself. When nothing else works, I plug in my ear phones and blast some rock music and it is like the loud music tames my equally noisy mind and suddenly I can think straight. My breathing normalises and well I am happy again.

Run of the mill

A paunch? Oh no, I have truck tyres around my waist. I get pimples and blackheads and facial hair. I have bad hair days, heck I have terrible wet-cat hair days! I could look beautiful, hot, Cosmo girl hot, if I were to wear concealer and work my butt off in a gym that is. But I don't want to. What's the point?  I'd rather be walking through a maze of people, observing and exploring their inter-human dynamics. Psychoanalysing their behaviour, watching the changing hues of their eyes with their ever changing emotions. I'd rather stand in than stand out. In wanting to stand in, I'm probably standing out from people who want to be unique anyway. And that's everyone. Well, almost.

Let me be, in my ill fitted clothes, my unkempt Mowgli hair, my flawed complexion and fat body. Let me blend into the shadows in my dark clothes and watch this intriguing species known as 'humans'.

Life's like that - ii

For everyone who wonders whether everything in life has a purpose, here's proof. I reheated my tea this morning for 30 seconds in the microwave. On my way back to the living room, I realised that the tea isn't hot enough and considered going back and heating it for another 30 seconds, but gave up the idea. As I sat down on the couch with a thump, a good amount of the tea splashed out of the mug and landed on my bare thigh. Despite the slight burning sensation, I laughed and thought, thank heavens I didn't heat it for a whole minute!

J 

Nope, no sadness here

Sometimes, I really want to feel intense and serious. And so, I dive into the deepest depths of me to find something to mope about, but return empty handed. And a voice tells me, "Give it up, you have nothing to be sad about. Relish this time, for it is rare." :)

Inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me

Happy smiling eyes, don't you ever cry

Does your heart weep, from the pain that never sleeps

The face you love to bits, haven’t you ever abhorred it

The dark corner of your room, does it open up your wounds

Don’t your demons come out dancing, when nobody is watching

Don’t your tender heart strings strangle you, torture and mangle you

Oh angelic face, I know you are a disgrace

All is not as it seems, still waters run deep

Savage love

Vibrant, stimulating, she flicked out her tongue

Alluring, ravishing, bright as the sun

I want her, I want her, they began the chanting

She teased, she tempted, her heat inviting

I saw her, I knew her, an old scornful foe

I warned them, I stopped them, or tried to do so

Flying and swarming, they began their drunken dance

As they flitted in closer, they lost their last chance

She licked out at them with a venomous passion

I stood by and watched them hurt in such miserable fashion

Burning and scalding, they came back in vain

For now hate as they might, they were addicted to pain

From head to paper

Life seems to be spinning out of control and yet it is seems to be moving along in such a systematic and controlled manner. That’s just to say, it’s all in my head. I’m getting increasingly exhausted of it all ­– running from the demons of my past, handling professional disappointments in my far-from-perfect job, family problems, uncertain future, and so and so forth. I’ll finally be 25 in a couple of weeks, the age I had told my mum she could start the hunt for my groom. Arranged marriage, its finally going to happen to me. It seems so unreal. It’s not that I was hoping to have a love marriage (or maybe, secretly I was), it’s just that I don’t think I ever thought ‘marriage’ would ever happen to me. Just never really took it into account in my scheme of things. But wait, what scheme of things? I’ve never been a forward thinking person anyway, so marriage, gawd no, I’ve never pictured myself as a wife. What did I picture myself as? I don’t know!

Sometimes it’s like, even though I’ve been here on this planet since 25 years, I still feel like a hatchling, just stepping out of my egg shell looking up at this big bad world. Have you ever observed a fledgling? A tiny little fluffy chicken? They tend to run after any moving object, not necessarily their mum. Gladly following them to wherever they may lead, trustingly, naively, stupidly. I feel like that. The need to belong to something, some place, someone is so strong! I feel like a rudderless ship at all times! You’ll see me gyming one day, kick boxing the next, playing the guitar one day, learning to dance another, wanting to chop off my hair one day, wanting to have it drop to my hips another, signing up for literature lessons one day, public relations another. Like a stupid attention deficient goldfish! What the hell do I want! 

I’m going to Vipasanna next week. Anyone who doesn’t know what that is, will have to do the googling themselves. I’m not explaining. I’m hoping to find a lot of my answers there. Hoping to find some clarity, some direction. I’ll be spending my 25^th birthday in there, away from phone calls, birthday wishes, cakes and presents. Just me and my spirituality. Many people have been supportive of the idea, but there also have been several naysayers. People who don’t understand the idea, mock me with questions like, “Do we call you mata after you return? Will you have to wear white or saffron clothes inside the facility?” The constant jokes are really annoying. They find it unimaginable that someone would want to put themselves through all that trouble. WHY?? They ask. WHY NOT! I ask. Yes, it is a little extreme and it is not for everyone, probably not for a restless soul like me either. But I still want to give it a fair shot, alright? SUE ME!

What if I have to marry a person who doesn’t understand these abnormalities? I recently read Bridges of Madison County. I hated it. It’s about a married mother of two who has a one night stand with a complete stranger and they fall in love but they can’t do anything about it since she is married, so they live the rest of their lives pining for each other. Mushy hogwash. This one should have been part of the Mills & Boons series. No, I’m sorry, infidelity is NOT justifiable. The heroine of the book is married to a rather simple man – he’s a good husband and a good father but he’s conservative. And the small town is a ‘good place to raise the kids’ with good neighbours, who are also, however, conservative. The simplicity and safety of the life frustrates madam free-spirited, thereby leading to the affair. Her husband constantly suppresses her desire to dress as she wants her desire to work, her creativity, etc. Now that’s the scary part, the feeling of being trapped with a person who doesn’t understand you. Omg, marriage is scary.