From head to paper

Life seems to be spinning out of control and yet it is seems to be moving along in such a systematic and controlled manner. That’s just to say, it’s all in my head. I’m getting increasingly exhausted of it all ­– running from the demons of my past, handling professional disappointments in my far-from-perfect job, family problems, uncertain future, and so and so forth. I’ll finally be 25 in a couple of weeks, the age I had told my mum she could start the hunt for my groom. Arranged marriage, its finally going to happen to me. It seems so unreal. It’s not that I was hoping to have a love marriage (or maybe, secretly I was), it’s just that I don’t think I ever thought ‘marriage’ would ever happen to me. Just never really took it into account in my scheme of things. But wait, what scheme of things? I’ve never been a forward thinking person anyway, so marriage, gawd no, I’ve never pictured myself as a wife. What did I picture myself as? I don’t know!

Sometimes it’s like, even though I’ve been here on this planet since 25 years, I still feel like a hatchling, just stepping out of my egg shell looking up at this big bad world. Have you ever observed a fledgling? A tiny little fluffy chicken? They tend to run after any moving object, not necessarily their mum. Gladly following them to wherever they may lead, trustingly, naively, stupidly. I feel like that. The need to belong to something, some place, someone is so strong! I feel like a rudderless ship at all times! You’ll see me gyming one day, kick boxing the next, playing the guitar one day, learning to dance another, wanting to chop off my hair one day, wanting to have it drop to my hips another, signing up for literature lessons one day, public relations another. Like a stupid attention deficient goldfish! What the hell do I want! 

I’m going to Vipasanna next week. Anyone who doesn’t know what that is, will have to do the googling themselves. I’m not explaining. I’m hoping to find a lot of my answers there. Hoping to find some clarity, some direction. I’ll be spending my 25^th birthday in there, away from phone calls, birthday wishes, cakes and presents. Just me and my spirituality. Many people have been supportive of the idea, but there also have been several naysayers. People who don’t understand the idea, mock me with questions like, “Do we call you mata after you return? Will you have to wear white or saffron clothes inside the facility?” The constant jokes are really annoying. They find it unimaginable that someone would want to put themselves through all that trouble. WHY?? They ask. WHY NOT! I ask. Yes, it is a little extreme and it is not for everyone, probably not for a restless soul like me either. But I still want to give it a fair shot, alright? SUE ME!

What if I have to marry a person who doesn’t understand these abnormalities? I recently read Bridges of Madison County. I hated it. It’s about a married mother of two who has a one night stand with a complete stranger and they fall in love but they can’t do anything about it since she is married, so they live the rest of their lives pining for each other. Mushy hogwash. This one should have been part of the Mills & Boons series. No, I’m sorry, infidelity is NOT justifiable. The heroine of the book is married to a rather simple man – he’s a good husband and a good father but he’s conservative. And the small town is a ‘good place to raise the kids’ with good neighbours, who are also, however, conservative. The simplicity and safety of the life frustrates madam free-spirited, thereby leading to the affair. Her husband constantly suppresses her desire to dress as she wants her desire to work, her creativity, etc. Now that’s the scary part, the feeling of being trapped with a person who doesn’t understand you. Omg, marriage is scary.