Through the looking glass

What are you

He asked me

Amused or amazed

One of the two

I am your reflection

A spin off of you

I look the same

But that is not true

If you think we’re the same

You couldn’t be more wrong

My left is your right

And your right is my wrong

100 miles in the wrong direction

I once knew a man so full of fire, almost as much as mine,

All in a time of electric lights, when no one rubbed the flint stones of their mind.

I fell in love instaneously, worshipping his magic, at par with mine.

So lost was I in his blinding light, that my own ceased to shine.

Though his equal in every right and might, I bowed to his grandeur.

I bowed and bowed until I broke. And that’s all I could endure.

So I gathered the pieces of me I could find and walked a whole mile.

A mile away I tried to rebuild myself but he followed me all the while.

So I picked me up and walked 10 miles but he found me yet again.

So this time, I walked a 100 miles to try and outrun my bane.

I walked a 100 miles only to find I haven't all the pieces, I have all but one.

So now, I'm a 100 miles from home, alone and so undone.

Confessions of a rock lover

I love loud music. Head banging, ear splitting rock music. When I’m upset, it is what cheers me up. Iron Maiden on full volume on my iPod. It is a misconception that rock music makes youngsters aggressive and violent. Perhaps some of the gangster rap lyrics do that, where they glorify violence. But music per se doesn’t do that. When I listen to loud rock music, it calms me. I get bouts of restlessness. Depressive, frustrated, angry bouts of restlessness when I don’t know what to do with myself. When nothing else works, I plug in my ear phones and blast some rock music and it is like the loud music tames my equally noisy mind and suddenly I can think straight. My breathing normalises and well I am happy again.

Run of the mill

A paunch? Oh no, I have truck tyres around my waist. I get pimples and blackheads and facial hair. I have bad hair days, heck I have terrible wet-cat hair days! I could look beautiful, hot, Cosmo girl hot, if I were to wear concealer and work my butt off in a gym that is. But I don't want to. What's the point?  I'd rather be walking through a maze of people, observing and exploring their inter-human dynamics. Psychoanalysing their behaviour, watching the changing hues of their eyes with their ever changing emotions. I'd rather stand in than stand out. In wanting to stand in, I'm probably standing out from people who want to be unique anyway. And that's everyone. Well, almost.

Let me be, in my ill fitted clothes, my unkempt Mowgli hair, my flawed complexion and fat body. Let me blend into the shadows in my dark clothes and watch this intriguing species known as 'humans'.

Life's like that - ii

For everyone who wonders whether everything in life has a purpose, here's proof. I reheated my tea this morning for 30 seconds in the microwave. On my way back to the living room, I realised that the tea isn't hot enough and considered going back and heating it for another 30 seconds, but gave up the idea. As I sat down on the couch with a thump, a good amount of the tea splashed out of the mug and landed on my bare thigh. Despite the slight burning sensation, I laughed and thought, thank heavens I didn't heat it for a whole minute!

J 

Nope, no sadness here

Sometimes, I really want to feel intense and serious. And so, I dive into the deepest depths of me to find something to mope about, but return empty handed. And a voice tells me, "Give it up, you have nothing to be sad about. Relish this time, for it is rare." :)

Inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me

Happy smiling eyes, don't you ever cry

Does your heart weep, from the pain that never sleeps

The face you love to bits, haven’t you ever abhorred it

The dark corner of your room, does it open up your wounds

Don’t your demons come out dancing, when nobody is watching

Don’t your tender heart strings strangle you, torture and mangle you

Oh angelic face, I know you are a disgrace

All is not as it seems, still waters run deep

Savage love

Vibrant, stimulating, she flicked out her tongue

Alluring, ravishing, bright as the sun

I want her, I want her, they began the chanting

She teased, she tempted, her heat inviting

I saw her, I knew her, an old scornful foe

I warned them, I stopped them, or tried to do so

Flying and swarming, they began their drunken dance

As they flitted in closer, they lost their last chance

She licked out at them with a venomous passion

I stood by and watched them hurt in such miserable fashion

Burning and scalding, they came back in vain

For now hate as they might, they were addicted to pain

From head to paper

Life seems to be spinning out of control and yet it is seems to be moving along in such a systematic and controlled manner. That’s just to say, it’s all in my head. I’m getting increasingly exhausted of it all ­– running from the demons of my past, handling professional disappointments in my far-from-perfect job, family problems, uncertain future, and so and so forth. I’ll finally be 25 in a couple of weeks, the age I had told my mum she could start the hunt for my groom. Arranged marriage, its finally going to happen to me. It seems so unreal. It’s not that I was hoping to have a love marriage (or maybe, secretly I was), it’s just that I don’t think I ever thought ‘marriage’ would ever happen to me. Just never really took it into account in my scheme of things. But wait, what scheme of things? I’ve never been a forward thinking person anyway, so marriage, gawd no, I’ve never pictured myself as a wife. What did I picture myself as? I don’t know!

Sometimes it’s like, even though I’ve been here on this planet since 25 years, I still feel like a hatchling, just stepping out of my egg shell looking up at this big bad world. Have you ever observed a fledgling? A tiny little fluffy chicken? They tend to run after any moving object, not necessarily their mum. Gladly following them to wherever they may lead, trustingly, naively, stupidly. I feel like that. The need to belong to something, some place, someone is so strong! I feel like a rudderless ship at all times! You’ll see me gyming one day, kick boxing the next, playing the guitar one day, learning to dance another, wanting to chop off my hair one day, wanting to have it drop to my hips another, signing up for literature lessons one day, public relations another. Like a stupid attention deficient goldfish! What the hell do I want! 

I’m going to Vipasanna next week. Anyone who doesn’t know what that is, will have to do the googling themselves. I’m not explaining. I’m hoping to find a lot of my answers there. Hoping to find some clarity, some direction. I’ll be spending my 25^th birthday in there, away from phone calls, birthday wishes, cakes and presents. Just me and my spirituality. Many people have been supportive of the idea, but there also have been several naysayers. People who don’t understand the idea, mock me with questions like, “Do we call you mata after you return? Will you have to wear white or saffron clothes inside the facility?” The constant jokes are really annoying. They find it unimaginable that someone would want to put themselves through all that trouble. WHY?? They ask. WHY NOT! I ask. Yes, it is a little extreme and it is not for everyone, probably not for a restless soul like me either. But I still want to give it a fair shot, alright? SUE ME!

What if I have to marry a person who doesn’t understand these abnormalities? I recently read Bridges of Madison County. I hated it. It’s about a married mother of two who has a one night stand with a complete stranger and they fall in love but they can’t do anything about it since she is married, so they live the rest of their lives pining for each other. Mushy hogwash. This one should have been part of the Mills & Boons series. No, I’m sorry, infidelity is NOT justifiable. The heroine of the book is married to a rather simple man – he’s a good husband and a good father but he’s conservative. And the small town is a ‘good place to raise the kids’ with good neighbours, who are also, however, conservative. The simplicity and safety of the life frustrates madam free-spirited, thereby leading to the affair. Her husband constantly suppresses her desire to dress as she wants her desire to work, her creativity, etc. Now that’s the scary part, the feeling of being trapped with a person who doesn’t understand you. Omg, marriage is scary.  

Zindagi ke safar mein guzar jaate hai jo makaam

Bachpann mei hum sapne dekha karte the, maa ki godd mei baithke, taare gina karte the

Sapnon mei sochte, jab bade honge, tab taare tod layenge maa ke liye

Jab bade hue, tab paison ki chamak mei iss tarah andhe ho gaye, ki sapne kahi peeche kaali parchaai mei chupp gaye

Paison ke peeche aise daude, ke parchaai bhi kadam na mila saki

Pyaar, sanskaar, parivaar, sab reh gaye peeche, hamari parchaai se guzara karte hue

Humne socha, jab Lakshmi ke haath dhare waapis lautenge, tab pyaar, parivaar, parchaai sab haath failaye khade honge

Humne to iraada kar liya tha, lekin Lakshmiji ke iraadon ka hisaab nahi kiya

Wo thehri, natkhat, chanchal hirani jaisi, jitna hum paas jaate, utna wo durr bhaagti

Arso gujar gaye, paison se kabhi jee nahi bhara

Ek roz jab palat ke dekha to pyaar ne saath chod diya tha, sanskaar bhrashtacharya mei ulajh gaya tha aur parivaar, wo to hamari raah dekhte dekhte jaane kab parchaai ke andhere mei simat gaya tha

Parchaai ab bhi hamare peeche thi, par paison ki tez daud ne uska naksha iss kadar badal diya tha ki hum khud apni parchaai ko pehchaan nahi paye

Sab kuch to kho chuke the hum, bas chitta ko aag lagana baaki reh gaya tha

Aaj paise kaam aayenge, kafan jo khareedne hai

Kaash ke hum bade hi na hote, hum maa ki godd mei, taaro se baatein karte hue hi khush the

(This is something I've been meaning to do since a while - write something in Hindi. It's just such a beautiful language.

I know there will be a zillion glaring errors so please feel free to point them out.)

Do you know what lies behind these dark eyes?

Look at me, LOOK AT ME! Not like that, you’re not ‘looking’ really. Try again. This time, really LOOK. Look into my eyes, what do you see? Do you see what I see in the mirror? No, don’t tell me they’re pretty. Look deeply, do you see the insanity? The creeping psychosis? Do you see it now? Do you see the worm in my brain?

If death is kind

Perhaps if Death is kind, and there can be returning,
We will come back to earth some fragrant night,
And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending
Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

We will come down at night to these resounding beaches
And the long gentle thunder of the sea,
Here for a single hour in the wide starlight
We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

~ Sara Teasdale

Humanity - the most important quality in an individual

Patriotism is over rated. All these wars and blood shed to protect the interests of one's country and countrymen, does it make sense at all? Hell no! There is this amazing quote I heard somewhere 'Patriotism is simply the belief that my country is better than yours because I was born in it.' I mean if a fiercely patriotic Australian was born in England instead, he'd be obsessing about how great England is. We're all exactly the same, no matter where we're born right? The countries, the borders, they're just details that have been receiving far too much importance. It is just a way for governments to stay in power, same goes for religion. I would refrain from discussing religion though for obvious reasons.

The single most important thing, according to me, is humanity. Just that, nothing else. Like a friend of mine recently pointed out - You can judge the real character of a person based on the way he treats someone who can be of no particular use to him. Her example went like this, "If I own a dog who is faithful to me, I'm obviously going to treat him well because he belongs to me, and he is a great comfort to me. But my character cannot be decided on the way I treat my pet dog. It should be ajudged depending on the way I treat the stray dogs who are of no use to me." Same goes for humans, for example, you can judge the true nature of a person by the way he/she treats an ex he/she has just broken up with. Does he/she excercise caution while dealing with the stray dog, that used to be his at some point, for the simple reason that it is a living being with feelings, or does he kick the stray, because well, "you are no longer there to lick my feet when I get home".

Makes tremendous sense I feel. Anyway, that's all I had to say through this blog. Humanity - the most important quality in an individual.

Innocence is alive!

I was on my way to work today morning standing in the local in my characteristic, music in ears, book in hands pose, oblivious to the world around me. Then two little school girls got on, about 5-6 years old, probably hailing from the slums. I was oblivious to their presence too. I got a phone call and one of the girls turned to look at me, and during the course of the call, I noticed that this little girl kept staring at me watching my lips move in fluent English and then looking me over in my corporate formals. I was little peeved because I hate eyes on me. Anyway, so I ended the call and returned to my book, but I kept feeling her unblinking stare still on me. Then finally, I decided to do what I generally do to make people stop staring, stare right back into their eyes, challenging them. So I raised my head, put on my sternest face and stared the little girl back in the eye. And then, she did the most unexpected thing. Instead of looking away embarrassed, like most people do, she broke into the most innocent, most endearing, unguarded smiles I’ve seen, and I melted. In return I smiled back, but it wasn’t half as pure and uninhibited. She brightened up my morning, that sweet little thing. God bless her.

It got me thinking, why are we always so on the defensive, why did I mistake the completely naïve inquisitive, admiring gaze of a little girl to be malicious? Why do we always think the world is out to harm us? The sad thing is, somewhere along the way, that girl will also lose that beautiful innocent, full smile and become an untrusting old soul like me.

To whomsoever it may concern

I will run away one of these days, and I will appreciate it, if you didn’t pursue me. Let me be for a while. Let me find me. I cannot find myself; think for myself, if I am constantly thinking about you. I am not running away from you, I’m not running to somebody. I just want to find myself. I would like to say ‘again’, but I don’t think I ever did find myself. Not in 24 years. How long can I go without knowing the one person of crucial importance to me? My fear is that, I’m already giving up the quest of finding myself. I know that once I do find myself, I’ll find everything else. I’ll put a rest to this constant restlessness, vengefulness, disquiet and unhappiness. I have everything I need for a happy life and yet I am so agonizingly unhappy. I am bitter, unjust and selfish. And I am achingly aware of these facts. I am so tired of looking away and pushing it to the back of my mind.

My soul is like a little child seeking attention from a parent, but the parent just never seems to find the time. It’s so wrong. My conscience is appealing to me time and again for some time, just some time alone. It is not too much to ask. But I just don’t have it. I don’t have time to spare for my core being. It’s the saddest thing. How can you go on when your core, your roots, your soul is dying? Nothing that comes out of such a being can ever be right. The basics, the foundation, it has to be strong and not shaky. I have to find myself. I have to know what I want. I feel so unhinged. I am tired of being a drifting leaf, detached from my tree. I feel like an orphan. I have to find my roots, my parents. How can I do that if no one just lets me be? I hate it when I step into a room and eyes turn to me. God damn it, DON’T LOOK AT ME. I just want scream into their faces “WHAT? WHAT’S THERE TO STARE ABOUT??” Why can’t I just be invisible? The attention, I hate it! It messes with my personal space, my personal sense of quiet.

And so, I’m going to run away one of these days. I will return, I swear. You might not want me then. But, I do hope you would understand someday. I might lose you, but I might find myself. For if I don’t find myself, I’ll have neither me nor you.

Relationship Mantra

No man can destroy me, no matter how madly I love him

No ex-girlfriend’s ghost will haunt me, no matter how insecure I am

No boy nor girl is worth my precious tears

No angel nor devil is worth my sleepless nights

I, a wonder of the world, God’s own creation

I, a miracle of two incredible humans to walk this Earth

I, a joyful, lovely, enigmatic flower child

I am above jealousy and pettiness

I will not cry for that which is not mine, or for that which is

For that which is not mine, I cannot trap, and that which is, I cannot lose

And whatever/whoever stays or leaves, it will be my destiny

And I’ll still be here, shrugging, accepting, and not crying