11.49 on the clock. I got work to do. The boring research report on the real estate sector in Mumbai stares up at me. I read a few pages. Needs work. Definitely needs work. Mind wanders. What does the future hold? All this hardwork, what for? A year-end appraisal with a cost of living increase?
The noisy fan, the ticking clock, the heavy breathing, they all seem to be drawing life to a close. My life to a long drawn out close. Drawn out over 50-60 years. Dying every second of every minute of every day. Happy birthday to you they say. I say happy one year closer to death.
Why all the struggle? To hit the base of the coffin at the end? Or rather, in my case, to be buried in logs and go up in flames? My train passes a crematorium every day. On most days, its empty and quiet. On those days, it leaves me sad, heart wrenchingly so. On some days, there's a fire burning. Even though I can’t see it, I can tell from the rising smoke. On those days, I'm filled with a sense of peace, eerily so. As I watch the wafting smoke, I pray for the spirit rising with it.
I want to do that. I want to rise up in fumes and kiss the skies, liberated from all this sorrow, all these desires, all these bondages. It seems so tempting. But I’m crazy, not stupid. I can wait 50 years. And when my time comes, I will happily lay down on the logs like I happily lay down on my bed at the end of every tiring day. I’ll happily pull the kafan upto my chin, the way I wrap myself in my warm blanket. I’ll look forward to them (whoever) giving me fire on a cold chilly morning. It’ll be one of those rare mornings when I’ll be allowed to sleep in late, really late. I’ll look forward to a night of dreams, like I do every night, hoping I’ll see dad tonight. This time, not just in a dream. This time he won’t dissolve into molecules when I touch him.
So every morning when some optimistic loser wakes up and French kisses the morning and announces to the world that it’s a new day and a new start and crap like that, I will rise out of bed, kicked about being one day closer to my ultimate freedom.
I'm like a bird .......
